Wednesday, December 19, 2007

How do People Like Howard Stern this much?

Ok, another potentially longish story here. I got Sirius radio from my wife several years ago. Then Howard Stern came on. I had never really listened to his stuff. I knew the name, knew basically what he does, had heard he has a friend name Baba Booey no big deal. When I first started listening, I hated him. I thought he was the most egocentric whining ass on the planet. Of course, it was his first week on satellite radio, so I gave him a couple of weeks.

Within a month I "got it." You want to hear what's going to happen. There are enough little plot lines to bring you back for more, and enough interesting tidbits to make the show listenable. Howard went from egocentric ass to really smart egocentric whining ass in my book.

Now, I think it may be two years later, maybe one, I rarely listen to the Stern show. He's surrounded himself with people who kiss his ass and worship him and we're all supposed to sit around and suck it up. It's like a bad sitcom with boobs. Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christie do something wrong and are chastised. Meanwhile, we're all worried about Artie Lange's drug dependency, or his weight problem, or both (how's he get to be a fat heroin addict anyhow?) It's not compelling or even that interesting. The stars on the show are B list at best, more often C and D list, and in a turn of phrase I borrowed from Stern himself, I can't believe he's not on the "who gives a sh*t channel already" When Howard isn't on, they replay his show, or interns talking about his show, or people who are on the show talking about the show. AND they play comercials! Right now they're playing some horrendously long "History of Howard Stern." I listened this morning while I drove to work. I'm not even that big a fan, and I knew a couple of things they were talking about (like when they pretended to be in London for the Prince Charles and Princess Di wedding. I've heard them talk about how great that was several times. I can't imagine any other place where I could TALK about something I did 26 years ago and have people think that hearing it rehashed (again) would be interesting!)

Howard has two stations. His other station has a radio guy called Bubba the Love Sponge, who is the best thing on radio. Yeah he has some boring parts, but his show is mostly hilarious because of the chemistry his people have with him. Unlike the Stern show, they're not afraid to let Bubba have it, which is far more entertaining than the formulaic crap that Stern puts on along with the sound of people kissing his ass. I'll write more about Bubba Clem and all his friends (Manson IS Ned, by the way).

Anyhow, what started this was I got some spam email the other day and the text in the email was a description of what had happened on the Stern show, so I was just banging around the internets, thought of that, and figured that there has to be a site that writes down everything that goes on on Howard Stern. Sure enough, I found

I'll quote a bit here to let you see the depth these people go to to relay this show to the zillions of fervent fans. What's next? An Eric the Midget Webcam? Lisa G in the nude? wow they're into this...

  • Almost Everyone Misses George Takei. 12/10/07. 6:00am
    Show opening bits and songs included: A prank call made using Eric the Midget audio clips, James Taylor performing ''Carolina In My Mind'' live in Howard's studio.

    Howard started off the show by taking a phone call from a guy who asked when George was going to be back. The guy misses George Takei already and they hadn't even started the show. Artie said he missed him already too because no one had said anything about the food he was eating yet. That led to Howard saying that Artie was eating so much last week that he figured he was doing it just to get back at George. George was sitting there staring at him the whole time.

    Artie said he could feel him staring at him the whole time. Howard said he hates when people stare at him when he's eating. He said that his dog knows enough to take its bone and run off into another room. He said he used to do the same thing when he wanted to eat.

    Artie said it's even worse when it's an elderly Asian, gay, science fiction star. Howard said that he'd look over once in a while and see him looking at Artie in disgust.

    Howard said that the funny thing was when George gave Artie his Christmas gift and it was a big box of chocolates. Artie said he wanted to make him feel guilty so he ate the whole box in front of him. George told him he should eat like one a week but Artie ate them all in one sitting. Howard said that was bad but he realized that he gave Artie a whole case of Jack Daniels once. He said he'd never do that again. Artie said that he'd probably give him a case of heroin.

    Artie said he felt so bad about what he did to George last week that he started to write a letter to him. Every last sentence he wrote was about how he'd like to do something gay to the guy.

    Howard said he wants to play an answering machine message that Artie left for everyone but he might have to take a break to get it recorded. He wasn't even sure how to dial out from there. He said that they'd have to go to break so he could pull it off for everyone. He went to break about 8 minutes into the show.

  • Howard A Knicks Fan, But Doesn't Know Player Names. 12/10/07. 6:15am
    Howard came back after a few commercials and said he took care of what he needed to. He said there was a picture of him with Beth and his daughter and her friend at the Knicks game over the weekend. He said that he realized that he's very passionate about the Knicks. He said he didn't know what it was like to have disappointment in a team losing until that happened. He talked about that for a short time saying that there was an era for the Knicks where he became a fan many years ago. He said now he's a die hard fan thinking that the team is great.

    Howard said he gets to sit all the way up front at the game so that's cool. He said that it's weird when you love them so much that you get upset when they lose. He said that he really doesn't watch the game that much but there's this little guy on the team that's really good. He said the last name is something like Robinson. Gary came up with a couple of names but no one was sure if it was him. Howard eventually figured it was Nate Robinson.

    Howard admitted he doesn't watch the game much these days, but he's been a fan of the team since he was younger and they were really good. Gary told Howard about this Robinson guy who is only 5'9'' tall but he's got a 44 inch jump.

  • Artie's Voice Mail About George Takei Prank. 12/10/07. 6:20am
    Howard said he went back and recorded this voice mail that Artie left for him explaining the George Takei prank. He said that it was right after he did that whole thing telling George that he was coming out of the closet. George went home thinking that Artie was really gay.

    Howard played the message where Artie basically tells Howard that he feels guilty for doing what he did to the guy. He said that the bit went too good and he felt awful for doing it. Howard said he had already gotten a call from Gary about that so he knew what was going on already.

    Artie was telling Howard about how long the bit went on and how he had to stop George from talking to him because he was getting into really personal stuff. He said that he was so nice and cool about it that he felt really bad about it. They had to edit out some of the stuff that George was talking about because it was way too personal.

    Artie said that he wanted Howard to listen to the tape and see it before they play it on the air. Artie went on and on explaining exactly what he did to George in that room that day. He also apologized to Howard for bugging him with his voice mail. Howard said he was afraid that they were going to lose George on the show because they pranked him one too many times.

  • Sal And Richard Step Over The Line Again. 12/10/07. 6:25am
    Howard said he had a problem with something that Sal and Richard did to George as well. they wrote some song parodies and had him singing them but they were just too much. He said that they shouldn't be grabbing him and asking him to do stuff like this because they should really get Gary's approval first. He said that they can't just grab the dude and start doing shit with him.

    Artie said that they were treating George like a Wack Packer. Howard said he had to talk to them off the air in a meeting because of this. He played some of the song parodies that they had George singing and one of them was George singing about ''Brad's Big Balls'' to the tune of ''Jingle Bells.'' Robin said that it's like George has to walk around avoiding land mines there.

    Howard said that they could have really ruined their relationship with George by doing this. He played another song parody where they had George singing ''I'm Dreaming of a White Penis'' which was funny, but Howard said it could have turned into a disaster if George was upset by the lyrics. He said that it sounded like George enjoyed singing them though.

    Howard played another one where George sang ''Artie The Cuddly Muffin'' to the tune of ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.'' Howard said that one wasn't so bad but they went on and on with this stuff. Gary said that they showed him one that George's boyfriend Brad wouldn't let him do. They did have some stuff that he wasn't going to do.

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